Disclaimer: I am not a trained psychologist. The following information is based on personal experience and research.
Growing up, I was part of the era of corporal punishment. Spanking was an appropriate form of punishment. I was also subjected to a bar of soap in the mouth for cursing, a pop on the mouth for cursing or talking back, belts and kitchen utensils for spankings. I rarely received an open hand when being spanked. And it was completely normal.
Now, this is borderline abuse. Some states say you can spank your child so long as it’s with an open hand and doesn’t leave a bruise or prolonged welt. However, when someone spanks their child, especially in public, they are scoffed at, scolded by others, or shunned. If a child reports being spanked, an investigation is usually opened. Thus, we are living in fear of “punishing” our children.
I promised myself that I would never spank my children. I broke that promise. My children were still very young when I remembered my promise to myself. I also promised that I would not “punish” my children the same way my parents punished me and my brothers. I haven’t laid a hand on my children since then. Instead, I looked for other ways to “punish” them, often in the form of time-outs, standing at the wall, writing sentences, sitting in their room with no toys or television, or grounding them from electronics. I’ll be honest, what works for one doesn’t always for the other, so I had to get creative. I embarked on a quest to find alternatives to punishments.
I stumbled upon natural consequences or consequences that fit the action. For example, if it’s cold outside and my child chooses to not wear a jacket, then they are choosing to be cold. Another example that fits the action is if my child doesn’t want to get up 20 minutes late for school, then that night, they go to bed 20 minutes early.
Before we proceed let’s go over the difference between punishment and consequence. A punishment is defined as the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense. Think of it like getting back at someone for doing something negative or bad to you. Consequence is defined as the result or effect of an action or condition. For every action, there is a reaction. This goes for consequences as well.
Here are some examples of choosing consequence over punishment.
- Make consequences task-oriented
- Your child will need to earn back the activity in which they lost.
- Make them time-specific
- It’s simply not effective to ground your child from their phone for 3 months. However, by grounding them for a few days to a week, your child will be more interested in participating in wanted behavior
- Make the consequence related to the original behavior
- If your child breaks curfew, adjust your child’s curfew to earlier
- Consequences should be about learning
- If your child is mean to their teacher, you could have your child sit down and write a letter of apology to their teacher. The idea is to teach them that being mean is not ok.
- Do not cancel special/family events
- If your child displays unwanted behavior, and you already have events planned, don’t cancel them. You’re not only “punishing” the child who did wrong, but also punishing the rest of the family for one family members indiscretion.
- Rewards and Consequences can go hand in hand
- If your child is only suffering consequences for unwanted behavior, they aren’t going to find any reason to display wanted behavior. Reward your child through praise, small gifts, or even special treats for displaying wanted behavior
- Create a list of rewards and consequences
- You can 100% do this with your child. Involving your child in the process of choosing rewards and consequences will offer empowerment, and potentially displaying wanted behavior more frequently
- Be business-like when giving consequences
- Practice brevity and clarity. Don’t draw out the conversation. Provide the consequence and terms and end it there. Remain firm, but not rigid. Don’t allow time for an argument with your child
- So your child is furious about their consequence
- That’s ok! They’re not going to like it because it’s just not what they want to do. Don’t back out of the consequences. You must follow through. Your child will try to talk you out of the consequences, but this is where you need to stand firm. They won’t learn if you don’t follow through.
- Consequences and Power Struggles
- Your child is looking for control. They may withhold compliance. For this, you may need to seek professional care through a family counselor, or a personal counselor for your child. There is likely something more going on with your child.
- When your child doesn’t care
- Your child will probably say they don’t care when you provide their consequence. They are trying to throw you off and manipulate you into either forgetting about the consequences, changing the consequences or just plain not following through on the consequences. Don’t fall victim to “I don’t care”
These are just a few examples of alternatives to punishments when parenting your children. Our children will continue to misbehave and push their boundaries until they become adults. It’s our responsibility to curb unwanted, and socially unacceptable behavior. We need to find a way to do this without jeopardizing our families. We are charged with raising strong individuals. Our children are going to replace us in the workforce. Our children are going to run the world. Let’s not let the world burn because we chose not to parent our children to be effective, law-abiding, socially acceptable adults.